Old Social Anxiety Thinking

Here is my thinking of the past if I would be to go to the Hairdressers to get my hair cut:

• I’m the lowest human on the planet
• The girls/women at the hairdressers are better than me
• I’m such a lowly person that the girls/women at the hairdressers won’t respect or care about my human rights
• I’m an unlikable person
• I’m an ugly person
• I’m the biggest looser in the whole world
• I’m the most uncoolest person in the whole world
• People enjoy not caring about me
• I don’t know what to say
• They hate me
• They think there is something wrong with me
• The girls/women at the hairdressers are so high above me
• I have the most repulsive sounding voice in the world
• No one cares about me
• I’m all alone
• I’m a bad person
• I’m an unacceptable person
• I’m a worthless, hate-able person

The Results of this thinking are that I suffer emotionally when around people, in this case at the hairdressers, the girls/women at the hairdressers are uncomfortable around me, I will be in a state of fear or panic at the hairdressers, I will speak to the girls/women in a fake way maybe desperately lieing to them about myself to “appear as a good enough person”, and I may be on the verge of tears or may uncontrollably start crying when I leave the hairdressers.

New More Effective No Social Anxiety / No Shyness Ways Of  Thinking

•  Of course I matter just as much as anyone else!
• Ha, ha I am rebelling against that old way of thinking and anyone in my life that may have wanted me to think that
• Ha, ha I am being a free, normal, healthy, assertive person just because I can!!!
• I am highly worthy, just like every person
• What matters is what I know to be good, free, and right, not what ANY person thinks
• I am free so ha, ha, take that!
• I can do anything I want, go anywhere, speak to anyone, engage in anything in the whole world
• I love myself very much just the way I am
• Other people can be wrong or questionable in their words or behavior  - I always have full normal human rights
• It is funny and laughable to believe these girls/women are higher than me or superior to me just because of features of their appearance
• I like myself and want myself even though I am extremely imperfect!
• I like these people even though they may be imperfect! I care about them anyway
• I will protect myself
• Being “adventurous” is fun
• If people don’t like me or reject me, it is just a fun adventure anyway, I can do whatever I want
• I’m going to spoil myself and care about what *I* really want
• It fills me with happiness when I connect with people by even just smiling at them or saying something nice or chatty because connecting with people gives them positive energy and makes them happier
• Wow, these people have many good, fascinating, talented, interesting, significant, or wonderful things about them and their life, even though it may be hidden from me, I know it’s true, so I know how important/humbling other people are.

People with Anti-Social behavior are not caring about moral principles or other peoples well-being, emotional, psychological, or physical.

They are not focused on feeling good about them self by being a decent human being, they are focused on feeling good about them self by being “Clever”, “The one with the most power”, and “Winning while the other loses”.

So don’t be fooled. The way of thinking they are engaged in when they engage in anti-social behavior is not right, intelligent, or correct at all.

Examples of Anti-Social Behavior:

• Derogatory comments about appearance
• Disrespecting Your Physical Boundaries and rights of physical freedom and physical respect
• Using fear tactics on you when you be an independent person/speak up
• Using fear tactics on you when you don’t be as they want you to be or do as they want you to do
• Using fear tactics on you when you want to make your own choices
• Sexually inappropriate – not respecting their partners feelings and flirting or cheating with others, incest

I hope you can see by this that if you’re reading this and have a person or people with Anti-Social Behavior in your life, you are being much more mature than them. In fact, I totally admire your strength.

How can I write this? I have read a number of books on Difficult People/Anti-Social/Abuse/Psychopathic people.

Here’s my ideas of different human behaviors with the unique desperate need.

You have had significant, (possibly hurtful) experiences of missing out on proper, healthy, or normal parenting. —> You will have behaviour of Anti-Social person, Unkind person, Not Caring, Rebellious, Criminal, Bully, or Abusive Person

You have had significant hurtful experiences of broken and damaged trust —> You will have behaviour of Shyness, Social Anxiety, Withdrawn, or Fear

You have had significant hurtful experiences of not receiving full and complete love for the way you are —> You will have behaviour of Over-Eating.

You have had significant hurtful experiences of an environment or circumstance of unfair and undeserved Chaos —> You will have behaviour of Hyper Sensitivity and Dramatic.

You have had significant hurtful experiences of you or your hurts being un-noticed, un-seen, invalidated, or not cared for —-> You will have behaviour of Under-Eating or Anorexia.

Anorexic people have had significant hurtful experiences of their or their hurts being un-noticed, un-seen, invalidated, or not cared for.

They are loved but are not receiving enough care that they need.

Also, anorexic people are receiving too much roughness and not enough gentleness either from them self or from others when it comes to their emotional and psychological peace and health.

Over-Eaters have had significant hurtful experiences of not receiving enough love for the way they are.

Over-Eaters are in desperate need for love just the way they are and love despite anything and everything.

They are cared for enough, but not loved enough.

Criminals, Bullies, Abusive People etc have had significant (…possibly… …hurtful…) experiences of missing out on proper, healthy, or normal parenting.

Their happiness and needs are cared for enough, but they are not receiving enough control, management, and limits.

Shy people have had significant hurtful experiences of broken and damaged trust.

They are not receiving enough sincere apologies, care, and repairing of trust.

Hyper Sensitive and Dramatic people have had significant hurtful experiences of an environment or circumstance of unfair and undeserved chaos.

They are not receiving enough soothing, loving, calmness.

What truly provides deep and eternal satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness?

Not achievements.

Not getting rich.

Not having the best, top possessions.

Not having lots of possessions.

Not holidays.

Not cars.

Not a nice house.

Not relationships with other people.

Not looking a certain way/being any certain way physically.

Not being admired by any one person or lots of people.

Not being wanted by any one person or lots of people.

Not being noticed by any one person or lots of people.

Not staying looking a certain way.

…

What truly provides deep and eternal satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness may be….

Your relationship with yourself.

…

Having a deep, satisfying, fulfilling relationship with yourself…
BEING to YOURSELF the way you WANT TO BE TREATED!!!
Doing ANYTHING for yourself…
Loving yourself…

Having a close relationship with yourself…

<3 <3 <3

I have someone in my life.

Let’s call them Lana.

Lana likes to have you listen to her while she talks and talks and talks. She gets angry at you if you don’t nicely listen and care about everything she says.

You may be busy or wanting to do something else, but Lana gets angry if you don’t stop what you’re doing and listen to her and play friends with her.

Lana may be a close family member.

The first thing that helps is learning about boundaries. If Lana is an adult, and I am an adult, I don’t have to be friends with Lana or talk to her often like best friends. I have the right to my own life. I have the right to my own healthy space that I need and want for my own life, my own individuality, my own individual life, who *I* am. I can have this, and still care about Lana and talk with her sometimes and be friendly with her, but it is healthiest to let Lana have her own life and be firm about her not taking unhealthy space in my life.

You must love yourself and care for yourself. You must have compassion for yourself. Do you fit the definition of being human? If so, then is it correct that you have the rights that all other humans have? Don’t these rights seem to be implying that you are very important and have great value?

You are worthy of emotional protection from others, and you are your own protector. You are worthy of protection from someone like Lana.

It’s awesome to care about yourself so much that you say in a strong, protective way to Lana, “I want you to stop talking to me so much.”

I told Lana to write some things on the fridge if they were important.

Lana then seemed to use some techniques to try and make me feel guilty and bad. She said, “Oh well, don’t be friendly then.” and “Oh well, don’t care about talking to me then.” in a very disappointed tone of voice.

I either ignored her, just because I could, and because I have the right not to take boring negative interaction like that seriously, or I said after everything she said in way protective of, “not buying in” and strong way for myself, “Yep” and “Uh-Huh”.

Lana is very enthusiastic, dogmatic even about a particular health drink. She brought the drink to me totally expecting for me to drink it, all the while continuing her guilt inducing techniques.

“Stop bothering me!” I said in a strong and protective way. I deserve protection from emotional attack, and so do you.

To this Lana engaged in one more guilt inducing technique, saying something like, “Alright, I’m going soon, alright,” in a very authoritarian and disappointed tone of voice.

“No.” I said. “Stop bothering me.” Still with my strong and protective tone of voice, which came naturally because of my feelings of compassion, understanding, love, care, and protectiveness for myself.

After this, Lana seemed to emotionally retreat a little, as if she was starting to recognize that maybe I mattered, maybe I had power as another human being, maybe I was important, maybe I was someone to be respected, maybe I was something very valuable.

There are different techniques to use with different types of people when standing up against them.

In Lana’s case, Lana seems to be a person who has zero empathy for my pyschological and emotional self, and is very self-absorbed. Even though she is a middle aged adult, she seems to have the empathy of a 2 year old when it comes to my feelings and psychological needs. Sometimes on rare occasions she  can be empathetic in a soothing, caring, and loving way, but most of the time she is not and does not seem to care.

Lana may have a Personality Disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

With people like this, you may not be able to simply get the other person to understand the interpersonal problem between the two of you, and have Lana stop once she understands.

Lana might have a deeper issue like N.P.D where she is just too self absorbed and empathetically immature to care, but because of this though, she may be able to pretend that she cares.

So with Lana, you may have to use techniques such as Self-Protective Assertiveness towards her, and simply working towards creating a life for yourself with a lot less contact with Lana.

Next person.

Let’s call the next person Rob.

Rob used intimidation on me, saying something that seemed to be intended to make me feel guilty and bad.

Because I now love myself, care for myself, have compassion for myself, know my worth, and feel protective of myself, I said strongly and protectively, “I want you to not talk to me like that.”

“Why??” He drawled in an intimidating and dominating tone of voice.

“Because I care about myself!” I said in a strong, protective way again, feeling angry.

Rob seemed to be a little stunned, maybe because I had never stood up for myself with such solid and deep protectiveness before.

Rob said no more, and our relationship with each other went back to something much more healthy.

Later, Rob said a quick, sneaky sentence that I detected was intended to make me feel guilty and bad. The sentence he said was sneaky, in that because it stunned me with it’s disgusting intent towards me emotionally, I forgot the exact words or sentence he said quickly, so to him, I was “defenseless”.

But no, not with a new technique I had learned.

“Can you repeat what you just said?” I asked.

“Why?” He drawled in an amused, intimidating way.

“I want you to repeat what you said, that sentence you just said before.” I again said.

“Why?” He again asked.

“Because I want to be clear of exactly what you said, so I can understand what you said.”

Rob ended up never repeating what he said, but I could tell that he was a little shocked at this demonstration of how protective I am of myself, and seemed to realize that maybe this guilt and badness inducing technique may no longer work with me.

Fortunately, Rob is a person who cares about me more than Lana, so even while and after I did the above technique with Rob, I decided that I didn’t HAVE to be so serious and negative right now, and after doing the technique, I smiled and was affectionate with Rob, who “caught” my healthful, positive inner state and we had no problem whatsoever together, things once again reverted back to a healthier, happier, more positively connected state.

Be the perfect best friend you desire. Be the perfect partner. Be these things to yourself. Love yourself like you want to be loved by the perfect partner. Be protective of yourself like you want someone to be protective of you. Care for yourself as much as a dream person or an angel would care for you.

Every relationship you desire, BE this relationship towards yourself. Internalize every person you need within yourself. Be to yourself a loving, healthful parent, be to yourself the perfect best friend, be to yourself the exact qualities you want a partner to treat yourself with.

Then have this relationship with yourself, feel this way towards yourself. You deserve it. You are a highly worthy being.

A nice idea is to find and play songs to yourself that express everything you feel you want or need to be expressed to you by someone. If you need love, care, admiration, protection, healing, friendship, soothing, find songs that express these things and play them TO yourself and FOR yourself, FROM yourself.

What you may have never gotten emotionally that you needed as a baby and child growing up, you can give that to YOURSELF, FROM YOURSELF, now!

Isn’t that a great relationship with yourself! Getting all your emotional needs met within your relationship with yourself.

Really, anyone could be targeted about anything.

Someone could be harassed for being cool. A bully could continually say in a superior voice to a cool and fashionable boy, “Hey, cool boy,” looking down on him with an evil smile.

This boy may then become self conscious about his fashionableness and coolness and start being more nerdy, maybe wearing out of fashion clothing, glasses, and braces.

Anything becomes “What we don’t want to be like” when it is ridiculed in a superior, evil sounding voice, at least to insecure people or people who really want to fit in.

“Look who it is, it’s miss normal, miss fashion model, miss “pretty”" could be said in a sarcastic way to a normal, pretty girl.

This girl may then feel self conscious about her normalness and prettyness and try to make herself more of a unique person as well as more ugly looking. Maybe she will start eating heaps of food to get fatter.

Or how about, “Oooh look who it is, it’s Mr Bully” tauntingly said to the bully them-self.

Maybe the bully would then get self conscious about his bullying and become a nicer person so that the taunting stops.

It’s all just so ridiculous!

I have been reading the book, “Earning Your Own Respect” by Thom Rutledge

I have just come to a part that is really, really funny.

“Negative Arrogance

David was experiencing what I call negative arrogance. It’s not the fun kind of arrogance, where you get to go around thinking about how lucky the world is to have you. This is a pain-focused–maybe even punishment-focused—arrogance that says, ‘I am different from everyone else. I am different in that I am worse than everyone else. Essentially, I am bad news, but in a unique way’

I often ask clients with negative arrogance if there are, in their opinion, other people on the earth who are as useless, or as bad, as they are. Surprisingly, these very intelligent people often tell me the answer is ‘no.’ Somehow I have become the lucky therapist who gets to work with the world’s most useless, or most stupid, or most inadequate person on the earth. The strange part is that in the course of one day at the office, I might meet with two different individuals who claim to be the most useless person on the earth. Who am I to believe?”

XD

I’ve had arguments that have really scared me or damaged me, but I have been learning how to gain more control and create more effectiveness and calmness.

One of the best things to do in an argument is to go take a time out, go for a walk, or go have a drink of water when you are at a point where you are too emotional and won’t be able to talk calmly.

A problem may be however, that you walking away can be interpreted the wrong way. For example when one person walked away, the other person thought they was rejecting them or really angry at them. And if they walked away, the other person thought they were ignoring them and disrespecting them.

So if they walked away to try calm down, things just got worse!

Something that helps is to communicate our interpretations to eachother and then really understand the unique “buttons” that are important to the other person. It may be important to one person to know that the other loves and wants them. It may be important to another person to know that the other person respects them, loves them, and are not ignoring them.

It’s really helpful and important to understand these unique buttons of each person because then you know what they are probably getting so upset about (probably the same “unique button” issues over and over and over and over and over again).

So we are agreeing to an idea that we need to and should walk away if we need to calm down, and just tell the other, “I’m not ignoring you or disrespecting you or not loving you, I only need to go calm down right now”, or, “I am not rejecting you and I am not angry at you, I only need to go calm down right now”. Basically, communicate clearly to them that your action for yourself, such as to go calm down, is NOT about their specific, unique button issue.

When should you take a time out? As soon as you feel overwhelmed, as soon as you feel uncomfortable, or as soon as you cannot talk calmly but find yourself speaking in an automatic, impulsive, emotional way with no or little thought.

You are also sending the message, “I value myself and I reject that unhealthy behavior or interaction (I do not reject you as a person).”

Another extremely helpful and calming technique for when another person is getting very upset, angry, or aggressive is this:

You simply listen to what they are saying and then repeat what they said, saying, “You’re right, it is true that….” or, “You’re right, that could be true.”

For example they might yell, “You only care about yourself!”

To which you listen in a calm way, waiting until they are no longer speaking and have gotten everything out that they want to say. And then you would say in a calm voice, “You’re right, it is possible that I only care about myself.”

Every time I have used this technique with someone, it has always calmed them down.

Even if they say, “You’re an &#@($&@@ / You’re lazy / You’re selfish” etc etc etc, you can still calm things emotionally and lead to communication becoming more effective by “listening them out” and then saying, “You’re right, it is possible that I am an @*&&@#(*@(#, that I am lazy, and that I am selfish.”

In an argument, people may communicate in an indirect way. Such as in a tone of voice, turning away from you suddenly, an expression on their face etc.

You could then ask them, “Is there a problem?”

If they then get angry at you again and raise their voice, just “listen them out” patiently and calmly, and then consider and validate what they said with, “You’re right, it is true that…” or, “You’re right, it is possible that…”

If specific problems arise, you could then ask, “So what can we do to resolve this?” or, “So what do you think I could do to fix that/resolve that?”

People may also give you advice that is not applicable to you or that you are not interested in carrying out. You have the right to do what you want to do.

In this case, you again, “listen them out” and then simply say, “Thank you for your advice,” or “Thank you for giving me your opinion,” or “Thank you for your suggestions.”

This will calm them down. If you just argue with their advice, opinions, or suggestions, it’s possible that a pointless communication could go on for a long time where they keep disagreeing with you or enforcing their own ideas to you (which is okay, if you don’t mind debating or arguing).

More things you could say after “listening someone out”:

“Thank you for giving me your way of looking at things.”

“Thank you for that idea.”

If a person does “hit and run” conflict or aggression with you, such as yelling something then walking away and avoiding you, you could approach them or contact them at the next available time, and say, “You said x. Is there a problem?”

The following may be a Revolutionary change in thinking for you. I think it may be for me.

I have noticed this difference between very successful people and less successful people.

Most people that have lots of friends and are doing successful and happily in life focus on what they are for in every single person and not what they are against.

Can you imagine how much social goodwill this would create?

Those that focus on what they’re against in other people rather than what they’re for have more difficulties in being liked and successful in their life so it seems.

I have observed this pattern with all the people I know in my life.

So from now on you’ll know which option is the naturally more effective one that will lead to greater social and life health.

So focusing only or mostly on what you are for in other people means thinking more like, “Oh…Johnny…he is great at cooking – that’s a good thing that I’m for so I’m for Johnny because of that reason.”

(Even though for years you may have mostly been focusing on what Johnny says or does that is hurtful and that he always has been a part of this group or way of thinking that you think is unethical in some way.)

Focusing on what you’re for in people is way more effective than focusing on what you’re against in people.

Isn’t that SUCH a beautiful way to think about other people? It’s so amazing.

Oh yeah, and include yourself!!! Focus mostly on what you are FOR in and about yourself than what you are against in and about yourself!!!!

Overlook what you’re against in every person. Focus excessively on what you’re for in every person instead.

And overlook what you’re against in and about yourself. In-stead, Focus excessively on what you’re for in and about yourself.

It’s just so interesting. Most of The wealthier, happier, more successful people that have spoken to me in my life have seemed to focus on what they are FOR about me. (They think I’m smart, likable, lovable, precious, or talented, and they seem to be encouraging me.)

People that are more unhappy, poorer, and stressed that have spoken to me have seemed to focus on what they are AGAINST about me.
(They think I’m not good enough in some area, not impressive enough to them in an area important to them like financial income or fashion, or they are very fussy and dissatisfied about the output of what I have an interest in or talent for.)

I’ve also noticed that the most loved and successful people in the world such as famous actresses, most of them, when giving speeches or speaking after they have received an award, focus obsessively on what they are for in other people and all the people they are for.

The most liked, successful people are obsessed with what they are for in each and every person!!! And they are obsessed with all the people they are for!!! (Which is everyone.)

So for example, instead of focusing on being against some peoples insensitivity, unkindness towards you, hurtful acts towards you, or disrespect towards you, focus on being for every persons talents, inherent human value, sense of humor, wit, strengths, skills, and abilities.

Value what people including yourself are good at. And value yours and everyone’s interests.

Define people by what you are for about them. Make peoples identity what you are for about them. Including yourself.

In fact, who knows how far you could take this principle. Focusing mostly on what you are for rather than against in your living environment, the possessions you have, artwork, anything, could make you much happier and much more satisfied,even overjoyed and delighted.

What I’ve learned in reading a couple of books about Judgmental-ism is this:

My hurt and anxiety about being judged was because I thought that judgmental people wanted to hurt and attack me in an uncaring way.

But I’ve learned the truth about what causes people to be judgmental is a fear of uncertainty. 

They are so fearful and insecure about uncertainty that they must make certain sounding pronouncements about other people, no matter how different from the actual truth of the other persons needs and experiences, because they are essentially psychologically and emotionally unwell and sick in a certain area.

They have a psychological and emotional need to prove that things are simple and certain.

What percentage of people are like this? I don’t know but it seems like it could be anywhere from 10% to 70% percent or more. (But also EVERYONE could have judgmental thoughts about something, be only highly judgmental in certain areas, or are just being judgmental without awareness that they are.)

That’s it!!!

They are not trying to hurt and attack in an uncaring way. It’s about their secret inner fear of complexity and uncertainty.

Well I have had several judgmental family members. And I’ve had complex problems – Social Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and more.

Judgmental people have a psychological deficit in that they’re unable to understand and are afraid of complexity. Therefore I have been called “Selfish”, “Bad”,  ”Naughty”, “Ungrateful”, “A Bitch”, “Lazy”, “Pathetic”, “Lame”.

Because these certain individuals that called me these labeling words are extremely fearful in the area of complexity.

That’s all it is.

And there are MANY complex personal and social problems (you know what) that ARE deep and complex, but the “Judgmental simple solution” is one or several simple degrading and negative personal character labels.

Other complex personal and social problems: Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Psychological Abuse, Spiritual or Religious Abuse, Sexism, Racism, Poverty, Social Inequality, Obesity, Anorexia, Procrastination, Drug Addiction, Alcoholism.

Instead of understanding, Judgmentalness has one or a few simple human labels or character labels for each. It is strong and kind to just have compassion for this deficit of Judgmentalism.

Judgmentalism may be justified for human actions and behavior, like that something hurtful and destructive is not acceptable, but seems to always just create more problems when Judgmentalism only gives the attention to peoples inherent nature or character.

It’s also extremely funny that because of my misinterpretation of judgment as being about hurting and attacking me, that peoples judgmentalness has significantly contributed to me having had complex problems like low self esteem, depression etc, so they helped cause what they are judgmental about and helped cause what they fear the most – complexity. And then it goes around in a terrible circle. Isn’t that so terrible that it’s just funny!!

And why it so badly affected me was that the people with a big case of Judgmental-ism were people I looked up to that were in positions of Authority.

Now you can just laugh at the idea that your complex problem is simple and think it is funny that Judgmental-ism believes that.